Accountability.

As well as attempting to get my mental health under control once and for all, I would like to use 2017 to…

  • Join a singing group
  • Join an art group/course
  • Start going to Meetup events / interesting talks monthly
  • Eat with my parents twice a week
  • Set aside time to make/sew/collage

Public sharing = accountability. I know how bloody lazy I can be at times, this is more than necessary!

Good riddance 2016, I think 2017 may have already got this in the bag. Couldn’t really get much worse. Could it?

Ps. photo taken on holiday in Morocco earlier this year.

And on we go.

For the last month I have been sliding into a mental health crisis, and while Christmas isn’t a big deal in my house the last two days have been the worst for a while. I ate next to nothing besides Christmas/Boxing day lunch, fruit and a couple of walnuts either day. I’m not proud of this, it’s nothing to celebrate or cheer. No part of my eating disorder was pleased by how little I consumed. Instead, I feel trapped by the downward spiral my health has taken, I’m frustrated with myself for giving in to the thoughts of uncertainty surrounding food. I’m also angry for not being offered the support I clearly needed by those around me, who I wish had been brave enough to pick me up on things. Yes, I realise it is not the responsibility of others to keep me on any kind of track, but sometimes it’s what I need. What each one of us needs during struggles.

Things were better today. Food was more or less spot on and I’ve not let the last two days of pathetic eating destroy the shreds of determination that keep me going.

Not sure why I’ve written this to be honest. It’s not a happy or particularly hopeful post. If anyone stumbles across it, maybe just take comfort in the fact that you’re not struggling alone, and that no matter how shit things get, they can only get better. In theory. Just don’t Google ‘celebrity deaths 2016’…

Panic.Panic.Panic

So today has started well. I have been having an anxiety attack since 5am(!!) this morning when a sneeze from the other room woke me up. My heart is racing like mad and I’m unable to sit still for even a couple of minutes without starting to fidget. I have no idea what my mind is doing, it’s racing so fast I can barely concentrate on one thought. ARGH. Medication seems to be working well then.

I’m off ice skating today with a friend. If I keep thinking about this and how much fun it’ll be (assuming I don’t lose some fingers on the ice) I’ll make it through the morning without putting my head through a window. Probably. Maybe I’ll throw in some gin for good measure, that usually works…

Well hello WordPress…

Seeing as everyone seems to think blogging is the best way to get what is plaguing my thoughts out of my head, I’ve decided to give this whole “I’m a blogger” thing a go. Warning: I am notoriously LAZY when it comes to actually following through with things like this, so expect a hell of a lot of inconsistency in terms of post rate etc.

Considering I’m writing this for myself I’ve already sidetracked into talking to an unknown audience. Hello anonymous. I hope you’re enjoying the rambles so far. I’m waving, just so you know. I’m not insane. Promise. Just a little screwed up. Like the rest of the world. Right?

Oooookay… So, where to start? Yesterday I met my new therapist, who looked uncannily like Mark Corrigan, minus the side parting and comedic timing. To be honest I think I would have preferred Mark Corrigan. At least I would have be assured that the contempt I felt was real and not imaginary. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I have fantastic paranoia tendencies. Surprise treat for you! What else? Well I adulted and a) took my medication – albeit hours late, b) ate afternoon snack – kind of , c) picked up my other medication which I will actually remember to take thanks to two alarms.

So on the whole today has been okay, not only did I actually wear a bra out of the house (my breasts are hardly more than freckles to be honest), I also brushed my teeth (yes I know that being an achievement is disgusting), AND tidied my room. ADULT LIFE HERE I COME! (I’m 29…)

First post done. Now back to procrastinating the day away. Bliss.